Round and round and round she goes...where she stops, no body knows! O Fortuna, oh don't you cry for me...I've gone to the poorhouse with a menagerie on my knee...

Farrier didn't show last night...he's supposed to show up tonight, very very late... I've just realized that there's not enough paycheck to go around this payday, because it was a weird, short pay period. That means I have a weird, short paycheck. Crap.

Oh, the wheel of fortune. Turning points. Opportunities. Possibilities. Destinty. Fate. Movement. Development. Activity. Surprises. Expansions. Quick happenings. Speed. New events. The rich become poor, the poor become rich. Stations change. The great Karmic cycle. The intercession in the journey of the Fool by forces beyond his control.

Crap.

Long live the King.

Despite using a completely different deck, I seem to have a theme going on here. The King of Cups, eh? To go with his queen and her knight and his paige...and...and...

The lesson for me today? I kneed to learn to remain calm and relaxed in all situations. To make artful use of the quiet word, which is much better than the big stick. It's the ability to learn to hear what someone is saying, and how to undertand what that MEANS, not what I hear. I need to learn to read the strengths of those around me, and to become a better team player.

CJ

PS - Just sent off a resume to another job...and now the fears are wheeling in my head. What if I get it, and they won't let me take it because of a piece of paper the new owner made us sign a year and a half ago. Surely she wouldn't prevent me from getting a job, because of that, if she KNOWS I'm miserable? Well...if she does, I guess I have a back up plan.

CJ

Humble Pie.

It's time to accept the reality of things. Certain blocks are constricting me, and I need to resign myself to that before I can truly make changes. It is never easy to accept defeat and swallow my pride, but this is the only tactic that will WORK. Trying to force things will probably backfire spectacularly!

It's a warning. Don't try to fight the power. This isn't the time. I'm up against something I can't win against, and it's better to simply submit, and look for a better time to resist. Pick my battles...he who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.

CJ

She's come bearing the final cup. Four I've dashed away...this one I've accepted...but do I drink the contents, or just gaze at myself, like a scrying bowl?

The Queen of Cups. Apparently, I'm about to embark upon a project that gives my creative or artistic skills greater expression. It suggests that for the time being, I'm tuned into the subconscious the right way, and that if I just listen to that frequency, all will be made clear. The foresight and maturity I've finally gained will give me the ability to make good choices, that are beneficial to me.

Well, Queenie, right now, the card's right...or I'm just more willing to accept what it's offering.

CJ

The Knight of Wands.

A move. A change of home. Journeys.

This suggests that I'm ready to change, and make a significant move of some sort. A change of physical home, perhaps, or just a change in my mental or social country, as it were. I've developed a strong impulse to do something creative, or to learn more about the spiritual world around me. It's a desire to expand my life. I've been feeling trapped, and the Knight has swooped in, to rescue a brother in distress.

Right now, most of my distress is my back, which still hurts like a mother of ...

It took me nearly 45 minutes to get OFF the bed. That's all I'm gonna say.

CJ

I wish I'd drawn this yesterday. That's all I'm saying.

The Nine of Swords suggests that I'm feeling overwhelmed by inner doubts that do not reflect outer reality. I am feeling anguished and upset, but in truth there is nothing fear.

I have a difficult decision to make or a challenging situation to overcome, but the worries that grip me are far worse than the actual outcome.

Negative thinking is only making it all worse. Eventually I'm going to have to face the facts, and only then will my circumstances feel less frightening. When I'm prepared to let go of all my obsessive thoughts and no longer allow myself to be controlled by them, once I've adopted a new mindset, then I can open my eyes...and wake up from this living nightmare.

CJ

The knight on the big black horse.

Life sometimes seems very slow, sometimes it rushes at you like a charging bull. Right now, it feels almost lifeless, with occasional vacillations into pure, unbridled terror.

This card tells me 'hey, go slow...enjoy the progress.' What I'm doing might take longer than I want, but I'm on the right path. I just have to stick with it, it might be boring and laborious, but I shouldn't lose sight of what's up ahead. This is all going to take some time, but I have the spirit and the will to win the day.

Hang in there, kid.

CJ

Just one of those short, musing sorts of things.

I only get a 30 minute lunch, so I often sit at the desk and hope someone's posted something entertaining for me to read.

Today...a cute little quiz from a dear friend, whose life is just about as up in the air as mine.

And because I love him, I will only say that honest, I'm not following him around like a little brother.

But my life too, is up in the air (if you can't guess from my usual posts). And I am in the process of rebuilding from the ground up.

The difference is, I still have a job (that I desperately want to get rid of) and a loving partner (whom I do not want to get rid of). But my life is in shambles all the same.

The tower's come crashing down, but the bricks are still sound...it's just up to me to put them all back together again, in a new, stronger, better order.

I chose to take another path...to follow, but not to be a follower. I've just come to realize that I'm miserable as an employee. The only way I'm ever going to be happy is when I'm in control of my life. The king of me, if you will. I'm tired of being beholden. I'd rather starve to death on my own merits and flaws, than be at the beck and call of another.

So I'm striking out. I'll go back to school. I'll learn a new trade. And I'll find a new life. One that's more like me. The me I wanted to be when I was younger, and was told it wasn't possible. Because it wasn't practical. Fuck practical. I want to be USEFUL.

I want a skill. A job. A trade. So that if the world comes to a damned end...I will still be useful. Not one of these jobs where the only real skill I know is ass kissing and paper shuffling. A truly practical skill. No matter how impractical.

Lords above and below, love me, because the leap I've made is utterly foolish. I've not just put the cart before the horse, but now I've bought the anvil before I have a hammer.

CJ

Welcome to the beginning of the rest of my life.

My fool's leap has come again...and this time, I've lept the chasm instead of jumping the shark.

It will be expensive. I won't pretend otherwise. It will be very expensive, for me. But an investment well made.

A young person...a youth...a tender new idea is going to come into my life, and I will need to be able to cut away the useless tissue to find the healthy beneath.

I've added it all up. I've taken the measure...I've decided I will go back to school. And what a school!

I'm of a mixed mind, crawling with ideas, good and bad. I'm eager and restless, a nubile young buck, springing with a sudden rush. I've only just found some of my strength, and there's more to come...as a fawn, I was young and tender and frightened. I hid, I laid still, I prayed that I would not be found by the wolf...that I would leave no scent behind by which I could be followed. That's all changed...I've antlers budding for the first time, from my brow. I dream different dreams, and I leap and I spring...there is strength and agility in my legs, stamina in my lungs and brisket, wise ears, watchful eyes, careful nose.

You know...perhaps I should've read the fine print before I accepted this offer.

The Eight of Swords.

Sometimes called 'Despair'. Sometimes, the card of nightmares.

It suggests that I'm feeling overwhelmed by doubts that don't really have any bearing on reality.

It's true, I'm feeling doubt and distrust. I didn't get the job. I want out of the job I'm in SO damn badly.

I have a difficult decision to face. Do I go back to school. Do I not go back to school. Do I continue as I am? I don't know. All I know is that come November, we have to move, and I need a game plan by then. Or a hell of a lot of help.

Right now, I don't feel like I have much. Just an compelling need to DO something.

This card very accurately describes the 'impending sense of doom' I've had over my head...and somehow, I feel that the results of the job in Bremerton were..withheld, until I'd changed my path, until I'd made my choice. If I'd made another choice, I might've gotten the job, but lost a huge opportunity to grow as a person. But I really fear having to make the changes I need to make to do this.

And why I'm listening to upbeat-ish Irish-ish music while I feel so low is a mystery, even to me.

CJ

The Knight of Cups.

Knights often represent a proposal of some sort. The Knight of Cups...a proposal which might or might not be grounded in reality. Care needs to be taken to evaluate that proposal. He could be likened to the Knights in search of the Holy Grail...an admirable reason to quest...but maybe not a PRACTICAL one.

New opportunities are coming. In the realm of the emotions, of artistic endeavors, creativity. It's time to embark upon a new quest; it may be an ideal that's rather elusive. It might be a fool's quest, to go with my fool's leap.

( If you're opposed to open, frank pagan stuff, read no further. )

The choice is made.

Now I can only look back. There is no GOING back. Once the step is taken outside the door, the road sweeps you on to your destination...and you really have no choice. Your choice was made, by taking the step out of the door.

What was my choice? Between death and life. Between the familiar and the unfamiliar. Between what I knew and what I do not yet know.

I will accept the offer. I have accepted the offer. The offer accepted ME.

The Ace of Wands. The beginning of a new path. A new creative challenge. A fresh direction in life. Time to consciously LIVE. And not just be, but do. To put down the bundle I was carrying so long...and to take up just the staff, and go on, freer...perhaps poorer...but more free.

CJ

Oh, he's back, and he's looking me in the eye.

I've been fighting the offer that was generously given to me...fighting it with all my heart and soul.

They're tired now, of the fighting, and the ultimatum's been laid down.

Choose or do not choose. Follow or do not follow. Do or do not. There is no more of this waffling.

No more wavering, heming, hawing, twisting, turning. I will have time to twist in the wind on my own time.

At least I talked with DSO and the thing that was scaring me the most...is perhaps moving on...and he understands better. Or perhaps it's just me that understands better. I'm not sure which.

But now the choice is made.

CJ

The eight of cups finally showed up.

Gads it's hot. It's already hot. And work was hot, and everyone's grumpy.

But that's not now, that's then. This is now, and now is all about leaving behind an emotional situation that's long outlived its usefulness. Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.

It's the end of one situation, and the beginning of another. I just...never expected to be brushed aside the way I was. Or to shake hands with the one I did.

The disappointment is hard to bear. I feel needy (and I'm probably acting that way too), and insecure. Something is going to change.

CJ

The King of Cups sits enthroned upon a mound within the water. He has dominion, but he does not touch the thing he rules. Perhaps he has gained control of his emotions.

I have not.

It is time for me to get into touch with mine.

CJ

OOOOH boy. You know, I was just listening to the radio and Charlie Daniels Band was on. And it was predictably, 'The Devil Went Down to Georgia'.

( The details... )

Someone just asked me: How do you decide what card is yours for the day?

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The page of swords. I'm beginning to detect a theme here.

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The Tower.

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