Thankful Thursday is a day late too.

Things I'm thankful for?

- Our house wasn't the one on fire.

You know. That's about all I can think of that I can bring myself to post. It's been a long, hard, and frustrating week, and at the moment I'm extremely demoralized and depressed. I'm well aware that things usually work themselves out, but...at the moment it doesn't feel that way at all, and while often I'm in a position to help the matter...right now I am not. And it's frustrating and painful for me.

Oh yes. And the message from the universe. Because these things amuse me:

Do not be alarmed, Jim, as you walk down the path of life, to suddenly find you don't have the foggiest idea of how your grandest dreams will one day come to pass. This is a good thing. A really good thing.

Just keep walking...
The Universe

Is it?

I wonder.

Off soon (about 15 minutes) to see the surgeons again.

I wish I could say after so many surgeries and so many years, this was routine, or easy. It's not. It stresses me out, distracts me, and generally makes me an unpleasant person to be anywhere near.

And DSO, he has to be near. And apparently, I'm having more trouble than usual communicating my intended emotions; instead, everything's coming off as if I'm aggressive or yelling. Definately NOT my intention, but it just seems to keep coming out that way.

The last year was an interesting one, and this one's been little to no different. And it's just early March. I'm trying, very hard, to learn and grow, but sometimes it really doesn't seem worth the effort.

At the moment, I feel like I'm not being a good enough of a provider (my paycheck's just not big enough). I feel like I'm not supportive enough. I feel like I can't communicate well enough. And I feel like I'm down on myself. All of which are probably true.

I am trying, I swear to god. But it seems like the more I try, the further backwards I slide into assholery.

Then again, it's probably just stress talking. Stress and my inevitable self depreciation. You know, it's hard. It's cultural, in part. Sometimes, the west coast just seems like it dropped off of another planet. Then there are the days I feel like I dropped off another planet.

Behaviors that are perfectly acceptable or even polite where I grew up get me laughed at, yelled at, or generally misunderstood, and after 10 years of trying, I'm wondering if I'll ever REALLY fit in, even with my friends and family.

Then again, maybe it's just my non existant self esteem talking.

Anyhow. We're out of here. Wish us luck and send good vibes, if only for frazzled nerves.

CJ