Ah, but what a happy contrast to the last bout of it I got. Yeah, I'm one of those thick headed types that requires great bloody large DOSES...and frequently. Actually, it's more like I'm one of those airheaded types. I mean...how many times do you have to paint the wind, before it changes to the color you want it to be?

Such a long introduction to say what I wanted:

I now know joy without apprehension. What a thief and robber I've been my whole life to deprive myself of the sensation.

CJ

I've said it before. The worse a situation is, the less I tend to blog about it. The internet has plenty of drama without me, right? Right. So typing about what's gone down in the last 24 hours is like going to the dentist and then some.

Maybe some things I just need to change. Maybe not adding to the intertubes drama... but not talking about what's really going on.

I have lots of reasons, of course. To not talk to others about the issues. Privacy. They have their own problems. I can handle my problems myself.

Well, on reflection, I have two really big issues.

First, I have a real problem with responsibility. I'll weasel, wriggle, flog, and otherwise do anything other than own up to something I've done (or not done, as the case may be). Probably, this is something I learned in my childhood...needless to say, the best way to make my parents stop yelling was to throw myself at their feet like a whipped dog and scream it was all my fault. Coping mechanism. Not maturity.

Second, I am incredibly dense about issues about MYSELF. I'm completely and utterly blind, unless someone points it out, and then I do one of the two above described actions, to get out. I'll blame my upbringing, I'll blame other people, I'll blame Mercury retrograde. Anything but admit when I'm at fault. And then, once attention's diverted, I don't have to change. I can go on doing what I'm doing. This is part of that whole 'I'm an awful student' routine I do.

Thirdly, I have a genuine mean streak. Some people drink to excess. Some people do drugs. Some delve into activities better not brought to the light of day. Some people hit their loved ones. I just have a really nasty tongue, and when I'm stressed out, I lash out at people with a violence that is otherwise really at odds with how I usually am. And saying I'm stressed, I'm upset, I'm panicked...none of that does any good at all. Because none of those things are an EXCUSE. I have a mean streak. And I used that mean streak last night to hurt my partner. And he rightfully, called a stop to it. If I cannot learn to control this mean streak, he wants nothing to do with me. All my sweet words, soft gestures, and tender expressions mean nothing if he has to fear that at some point, when I'm stressed out, I'm going to take it out on him. He says people who love one another cannot do that. Here I will disagree; they can and they do...all the time. But that's what makes it WRONG, not right.

CJ

For those who were watching this entire potboiler go down...

I got home. I read the post, because I'm ubernosy like that. I got up. I got a little money out of my pocket. I walked to the store to get some cleaning supplies.

Why cleaning supplies? Because DSO was right. I have let the 'cat room' get way out of control. Yeah. I wanted to admit that in public like I wanted to rip my own toenail off, but it was true.

The room is much cleaner. After about 30-45 minutes of concerted cleaning (including finding out the hard way the vacuum cleaner didn't have a bag in it), he came up.

"I'll go ahead and bring my sleeping bag up here," I cut him off before he could say much. Actually, I think I'd invited him to come and see the progress and offer suggestions/pass judgement.

Yeah. That went over like a lead balloon.

Do you understand why it hurt him so bad, for me to say in the middle of a financial meltdown, "I still think we should sell the horse?"

I do. I knew when the thought of saying it just started to flicker into my mind. I had a moment when I could have held it back. I made a choice to say that. I knew, even if I didn't know how deeply, that saying it would anger him/make him upset/hurt him. And I still chose to say it.

Some clue-by-fours hurt worse than others. Three hours later, we're still speaking, and civilly. Guys, those of you who know me, I messed that up badly. This wasn't a fight about the horse (and I'm as keen to sell her as I am to run over my own cats with the van...just so you know), or even a fight about money (trust me...he and I have been in more dire situations...just not recently). This was a 'fight' (if you can call it that) about the fact that I opened my mouth and willfully and knowingly said something UGLY to the man I love the most on the planet. Why I said it doesn't matter; I said it, and it hurt him. And I had a CHOICE in that, and I made the wrong choice. Momentary, instant gratification verses something mature, understanding, or even loving. It was a BAD thing.

Now, to go back to a week or so ago...I was hit with a small dose of Enlightenment. Some of you I've talked to. Some I've sought advice from, or just input. And lots of people have said lots of things; many have said the same thing. Or close enough to the same thing that maybe I should have listened. Sometimes, it takes another dose or two before it dawns on me. I might be a 'smart cookie' but of common sense or swift uptake I have neither.

Now that I've derailed my original mea culpa...let me get back to the point. Which is both the root of this argument...and the enlightenment. And about the 'cat room'. I'm having a little trouble with something called 'responsibility'. As in...owning what I do, good or bad. Usually...when presented with a problem, I simply change the subject ever so slightly, and derail or deflect what is going on. And if it's my fault, I find every way I can to make certain it's not my fault. It's called something like preemptive escalation. You know. Like inviting someone up to see that you're doing what you should have been doing the whole time, and then informing them that you'll be sleeping up there. Why did I do it? So I didn't have to deal with the horror of being 'thrown' out of the bed...that's why. It was easier to say I'd be the one to 'move out' of the bedroom than it was to deal with the idea that that was what I was going to face. And yes...I might still face it, but if I do...I have to deal with it now.

Now, what the hell does this have to do with my Enlightenment? Pretty simple...I've been begging a certain deity to tell me what he WANTED...and getting riddling answers like 'it's what YOU want, not what I want' was only making me cranky and nattery. Too bad I didn't have that moment BEFORE I hurt DSO so badly. Part of what I need to learn is to be a better student; I've always been a poor one. Which means if I don't learn it instantly (ie, if I have to practice) I just have ZERO interest in doing it again. So I simultaneously declare myself a failure...and prove it, by refusing to better the situation.

Yeah. That's not exactly mature, I'm aware. And what does this have to do with having willfully said about the most hurtful thing I could have said to DSO? Because I've done it before. We've had this 'argument' before. And you know what, folks? I'm not smart enough to learn from my mistakes. That's where the learning and being a student comes in, doesn't it? Right. And what do I need to learn the most? To take responsibility for my successes and my failures.

Is everything bright and shiney rainbows right now? No. Hell no. I still am likely to spend a good deal of time in 'the doghouse'...folks, I earned it, alright? We are speaking civilly to one another. And discussing the issue(s) involved. We are trying to work out the financial matters as well (and contrary to those who think we party down and spend irresponsibilty...we don't...and I'll be happy to discuss those spending habits at length...). And I will be working on learning (yes, learning) how to handle this tendency to shed away responsibility...even after I've done something heinous.